The Griffin

Refusing failure: a guide to New Year’s resolutions

Audrey Houghton, Associate Editor

Buckle up! The New Year is quickly approaching, and I’m sure you have a long list of resolutions pinned to your bulletin board. But even if you have your goals planned out, following through with them can be a daunting task. In fact, according to a Business Insider article from 2017, 80 percent of New Year’s resolutions fail by February. So, in hopes of lowering that percentage, I’ve come up with some simple hacks that will make accomplishing your goals for 2019 a breeze.

A quick Google search of “popular New Year’s resolutions,” shows that weight loss is a top priority for many. This isn’t surprising, since most people cultivate mass from Thanksgiving and Christmas food binges. However, with the help of a few handy techniques, shedding a few pounds is easy. For starters, you can lose a whole 468 grams of weight per pint of blood donated to the Red Cross. This way, you can save lives and keep those waistbands loose all at the same time. Organ donation is another fool proof way to slenderize your vessel. Kidneys weigh a whopping ¼ of a pound, so it’s in your best (and skinniest) interest to ditch one. If this seems too extreme for you, try donating other smaller, unessential organs.

Another common resolution I found in my Google search is to abide by the motto “save more and spend less.” All you have to do for this one is cut your power lines and steal condiments and plastic silverware from your local Wendy’s. Doing this will save you hundreds of dollars per year on electricity, and may be around $30 on condiment expenses (in this economy that’s a fortune). But if you insist upon having light and heat in your home, or an actual bottle of ketchup, remember that faking a pregnancy for the tax breaks (may result in an IRS audit) is always a viable option.

Students, however, seem to be more focused on their studies rather than their body mass index and finances. When I asked my fellow peers what their resolutions are for 2019, I heard a lot of “I want to get straight A’s.” Well, the secret to achieving that A+ you’ve been striving for is to take advantage of classroom resources. For example, you can use that one really smart kid that sits next to you in class by pressuring them to do your work for you. Another way to guarantee an excellent report card is to scour your teacher’s drawers when they aren’t looking and snatch the answer key for the next big test. If that fails, you can always look up answers during the test on your county issued laptop computer.
My peers also told me that they would like to make more friends this 2019 year. An easy way to make new friends is to tie a string of juicy sirloine steak around your neck, hang out in your nearest alley-way, and wait for the local stray dogs to find you. Hey, anything’s better than being completely and utterly alone!

Lastly, because a majority of both students and adults are plagued by stress and sleep deprivation caused by the endless obligations life may bring, it’s no wonder why another popular resolution is to improve self-care. So in 2019, don’t be afraid to treat yourself to some “me time” by ignoring all of your responsibilities, declining your cell phone calls, and enjoying sweet, blissful silence.

Still feeling intimidated by your resolutions? Scrap them entirely. If you have no goals, you will never face bitter defeat. But for you brave soldiers that made it through this article and are willing to take my expert advice, your 2019 will be a guaranteed success.

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Audrey Houghton, Associate Editor

I am the coolest person here and I don't even try to be.

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