Your zodiac, your fate, your future: it’s written in the stars

Audrey Houghton, Associate Editor

Fire Signs: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius

Like actual fire, fire signs destroy everything. 50 percent of marriages end in divorce and 100 percent of divorced people are Aries. Coincidence? Doubt it. Leos are neglectful mothers that become senile in their old age and scream at babies. Sagittarii are just sad. They thrive off unnecessary drama and are way too insecure to maintain any real relationship.

Water Signs: Pisces, Scorpios, Cancers

What separates water signs are their overly sensitive, extremely annoying nature. Pisces spend their spare time singing love songs from 2004 and crying in public restrooms. Scorpios don’t hold doors open for the elderly. And even though Cancers also have countless unfortunate traits, it is important to note that Elon Musk is a Cancer, so they are an exception to the rule.

Earth Signs: Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn

Earth Signs need constant attention to survive. Taurus will post pictures of themselves posing next to large rocks or ugly trees on social media and leech off the likes they get (not a lot). Virgos fake seizures and eat glue in class because they want all eyes on them. Capricorns believe they are fashion icons but are always wearing dumb looking shorts and stupid hats.

Air Signs: Libra, Gemini, Aquarius

Air signs are infamously known for their horrible ideas and reckless behavior. Libras are usually to blame for road-side fender benders and accidental birth swaps, and Geminis are school-yard bullies that shove nerds into lockers. Though less reckless and belligerent, Aquarius gets second place in every competition because they just aren’t good at anything.