Dear College Board,

Thank you for providing the best opportunities to me throughout my high school career. I feel more prepared for college now than ever before. Your Advanced Placement (AP) courses have taught me the art of late night studying and the value of senselessly rushing through timed essays and free response questions–all of which will surely come in handy in the future. 

I greatly admire your business practices as well. Classifying as a non-profit organization displays your genuine concern for students and dedication to promoting their education. The billion dollars you make every year has no doubt been used to “connect students to college success and opportunity” as your mission statement boasts. Your perfect model of a modern monopoly even proved helpful in my grasping the concept of big businesses and their abuses of power in unit six of my AP US History class. 

Your commitment to early-May AP exam dates makes so much sense. Keeping the entire country on the same schedule regardless of when each school starts in the fall ensures continuity and avoids confusion. It always feels like an exhilarating race to finish learning the material for each course. I am sure my teachers and fellow classmates appreciate this as well; it makes for an exciting April.

Nobody has a tighter hold on highschoolers than you do. From the hearts of students everywhere, we thank you for all of the tears and all-nighters you have caused over the past 123 years.

With love,

A stressed junior